Why I Think My Heart Always Gets Stomped On In Relationships

October 5, 2023

I have to preface this by saying that I have never really actively looked for a relationship. At times when I get bored and want something new in my life, I enjoy meeting people to go on dates with -- a lot more so before I came out as asexual in 2020 -- but generally, dating with the intention of finding a relationship isn't really my thing. I'm the type of person who loves being single, but occasionally meets someone special and wants to be with them, not because I want or need a partner, but because I think that person is amazing and it makes me want to make room in my life for them.

And yet, every time I've met a person like this, it has ended up not working out. Occasionally, the person just isn't interested in me; the crush is unrequited or they're in a happy relationship already. And that's perfectly fair, of course. There have also been a few cheaters in the mix, people who were in a relationship but wanted something on the side (unbeknownst to their partner), which is going to happen, I suppose. Obviously that's not a situation that is going to work out.

But I've always wondered why the others -- the ones who clearly are into me, who are single, and even expressed interest in me first -- never go anywhere either. Despite seemingly wanting to be with me, the other person actively avoids it, which leads to mixed signals, and leads me to assume that they are just leading me on or scared of commitment. The way they always act nervous about allowing themselves to spend time with me, like it's the wrong thing to do even if there is nothing tangible that holds them back... it seems strange, does it not?

Well, recently, on the heels of yet another -- and hopefully the last -- disappointment by somebody I thought really liked me, I had a long-overdue epiphany about the type of people I seem to attract. And I've realized that the problem, in many cases, is actually a bit deeper than them simply leading me on.

First I have to toot my own horn a little bit and say that, in my own opinion, I'm an amazing partner to have. I love so deeply and thoroughly and always want to be a source of support and comfort for the person I'm with. My love language is basically all of them, so I'm constantly thinking of ways to make the other person feel loved, whether through thoughtful gifts, helpful gestures, supportive words, quality time together or comforting physical touch (my only exception here being that I'm usually sex-averse -- but believe me, I love hugs and cuddling and generally being affectionate).

I love the small things, or rather, taking the things that would normally be considered small and making them special. I'm the type of person who will remember your coffee order, your favorite dessert, etc. so I can surprise you with them at random times, just to see the smile on your face. You don't even have to be a romantic partner, sometimes I do these things for platonic friends as well, because I value them and I enjoy seeing them happy.

Obviously, a healthy relationship takes a lot more than just small gestures, but to me they are just a supplement to the larger things, like overall compatibility, support, respect, and healthy communication, which I am also willing to prioritize. The daily details are what I hope will show a person that I care when the larger things aren't at the forefront.

Now, I definitely don't love-bomb anyone, but I do go out of my way to make them feel important, a little bit at first and more so as the relationship feels like it's progressing. Anything that I do for people is sincere, never because I want something from them. I feed off of the interest and effort that they put forward and try to reflect that back in my own way. But before long, their behavior changes, and I'm the only one making an effort, leaving me to feel unappreciated and neglected again. Communication will go from full-on conversations where both parties are engaged, to inconsistent messages that feel strained and awkward, with no warning whatsoever.

I have to admit my ego takes a hit every time it happens. I've often wondered what was wrong with me that people lose interest so quickly and suddenly. But now I've realized it might not have anything to do with me at all.

Just prior to being hurt this time around, I had been planning this romantic dinner for the woman I was interested in. It started when I took a late-night Uber and the driver was playing R&B music and had a mini light show inside his car. I took a short video to send my crush, commenting that my Uber ride had very romantic vibes that night. She responded, "Wish I were there with you," to which I then said, "I can do pretty lights and romantic music at my place too." Because she sounded interested, even excited about it, it then snowballed into my romantic dinner plan. When she asked, "Will there be candles?" I told her that there would be if she wanted them. I then bought about thirty candles to light the place up with, as a small way of showing her that she was important to me. It sounds silly, but it was my small way of saying, "I want you to have what you want -- and then some."

But I never even got to bring this plan to fruition due to how suddenly her interactions with me changed.

Although setting up that many candles around my kitchen and dining room was an idea that was entirely my own, the dinner itself was one we had both contributed to and were both on board with. If she hadn't seemed excited about the idea, I wouldn't have taken it so far. I was responding to the interest she showed, which seemed to me refreshing and a good sign. She was making more effort than I was used to, and I was excited that it seemed like I'd found someone willing to make that effort.

It was only a few days after discussing these plans that she suddenly became less responsive to communication attempts and, when asked about it, said that she was "not ready for a relationship" -- something that apparently was a lie considering she almost immediately began dating someone else who, surprisingly, seemed less compatible with her. It was a very sudden and drastic change, and not the first time I've experienced this exact change in behavior from someone who had seemed so into me.

After many years of it happening repeatedly, though, and looking back on all of the people it has happened with, I think I finally understand. And honestly, I'm surprised it took me this long to come to this conclusion. In retrospect, it seems like it should have been obvious.

I attract people with low self-esteem.

Now, we all struggle with self-esteem issues from time to time, myself included -- especially after all of these repeated rejections -- but the type of people I attract seem to be the ones who will never think they're good enough. In many cases, I think this is because of what they've been told or how they've been treated throughout their life, whether by their family growing up or by their previous partners. Sometimes maybe it's just their own brain telling them this, but I think the treatment they're used to receiving can often play a big role. But either way, a common theme among people I've been involved with or interested in is that they seem to feel... unworthy.

(I wrote a post back in 2021 that was intended as a message for anyone who feels unworthy. To be honest, re-reading this post is part of what helped me come to this epiphany as I realized the people I was addressing could easily be most of my past love interests.)

These people are attracted to the idea of being treated the way I treat them -- like they matter, like they're special, and beautiful, and perfect just the way they are.

That's just the way I am, and the way I love -- wholeheartedly. When I'm into a person, I love everything about them. I don't really have a "type" but when I'm into somebody they become my type. That's why every person I've had a crush on is different from the one before them, in terms of appearance, interests, etc. I've been interested in every gender, every race and complexion, short and tall (even though this isn't my preference), skinny and chubby, preppy, alternative, and everything in between. I'm attracted to what I see inside of a person, their soul, their character and how they treat others.

So naturally somebody with low self-esteem would be initially excited by the idea of someone who sees their soul and loves them for it, somebody who will make them a priority, treat them like they're the most important person in the world, or at least an important person. Because maybe they've never had anyone in their life who's treated them that way before. They've never experienced healthy relationships, either with family or lovers. And deep down, they yearn for that type of relationship because it's exactly what they need.

But then when it comes down to it, they can't handle being treated that way because it isn't what they're used to, or because they've been led to believe they don't deserve it.

More than once I have heard some form of these words from somebody I was involved with.

"You're so good to me, I don't deserve it."
"You're a good person, you don't deserve someone like me."
"I'm bad for you."
"I don't deserve you."

And no matter what I do to prove to them that they do deserve it... I can't make them believe something they're not prepared to believe.

I do think that sometimes people say things like this as a way of avoiding accountability, as well. Sometimes it is just a lie to get them out of having to commit, when they don't have the guts to say that they just don't value you as a person enough to want a relationship with you. But actions speak louder than words, and based on the actions of many of my past flings and interests, low self-esteem was more of a contributing factor than dishonesty.

The most recent one, I'm still unsure of. There was some dishonesty involved, and as a result, I don't know how much of what she told me I should actually believe. But there are some things about her home life that she would have had no reason to make up. After breaking up with her most recent long-term ex, she had to move back in with her parents, a situation that, from everything I know, seems toxic for her. There is a particular moment I shared with her that still sticks with me, and makes me feel sad for her despite the fact that we've since had a falling out.

The last time she was over at my apartment, she thought she had locked her keys in her car. She eventually found them, but it took quite a bit of searching. When it was over with, she thanked me for not getting mad or yelling about it, and for remaining calm, which allowed her to remain calm. I asked, "Why would I yell at you? It isn't your fault." She said, "Well, that's what I would get at home." It made me so sad because no one deserves to be treated that way, especially not by someone they are stuck living with due to the economy. Other things that happened the same night made me realize that she had a tendency to thank for me the bare minimum, and I kept trying to tell her she didn't have to thank me for being a decent person.

Being treated this way by parents and family members, past romantic partners, or both, can affect a person's mental health and sense of worth for the rest of their life. This is why I think that she refuses to accept a healthy relationship with someone like me, who wanted to make her a priority and do special things for her. She doesn't know how ro receive that kind of affection because she's never had it before, and is seeking out chaotic relationships because that's what's familiar to her.

When I think about it, this trend of insecure partners goes all the way back to my first relationship, my now-ex-husband. Although things didn't start out that way, it's where they ended up. There were a lot of things that led to my being unhappy toward the end of our relationship, but most of them could have been solved; the major contributor, for which I saw no solution, was his jealousy. First toward a musician I found attractive, and later any male friend I spoke to. The first four years of our six-year relationship were great, but towards the end, he just couldn't accept the fact that he was the only person I wanted to be with, and ultimately drove me away because of his own insecurity.

And after him, there was a string of people who showed interest, flirted, made me like them because they were so charming, but then when they realized the interest was actually mutual, they freaked out and began to push me away. I always viewed it as them being scared of reciprocity for whatever reason; maybe they enjoyed the thrill of the chase, but were viewing me as a prize to obtain rather than a person to actually be with, so they lost interest when they realized they didn't need to chase me. Now looking back at how low their self-esteem was -- nearly all of them -- I think it was something different.

As I mentioned, we all have our insecurities. I do, especially related to my appearance, my lack of higher education, etc. But I can't imagine feeling so undeserving of love and affection that I would push away the person who was trying to give it to me. Back when things were good between me and my ex-husband, he did do a lot of the same things for me that I like to do for the people I care about. Small surprises, thoughtful gifts, etc. Just generally treated me like I was important and cared for. I can't remember ever once thinking that I didn't deserve it, and I certainly can't imagine thinking so poorly of myself that I believed someone's life would be better without me in it.

And yet that's what several potential lovers have implied or outright stated to me. That they think they're so "bad for me" they have to distance themselves from me because my life will better without them "ruining" it for me.

And here is the biggest issue I have with that: it removes my agency.

They might not realize that's what they're doing, but ultimately, that's what it is: someone believing that I'm incapable of making my own informed choice so they need to do it for me.

What right do you have to tell me who I should or shouldn't date -- even if that person is you? Obviously a relationship requires consent from both parties, but if you want to be with me, and I want to be with you, yet you are purposely sabotaging it? That's a completely different situation from you simply not being interested. It isn't just you saying you don't want to be with me, but you not trusting me to know what I want or need in my life. You're not a parent locking up bottles of alcohol in the house so your teenager can't get to them. And I'm not someone who needs options taken away from me because I'm incapable of making good choices.

I have also heard -- upon telling someone that I wasn't looking for a long-term commitment -- that they, more or less, didn't believe me. Just because I want to treat a partner well doesn't necessarily mean that I'm trying to marry them. Maybe because I have been married in the past, people think I'm looking for a new spouse to replace the first one? I don't know, but if that's what they believe, they're incorrect. Every relationship is different, including the amount of time it lasts, how serious it gets, etc. Sometimes I just want to explore the chemistry and see where it leads. Yet nobody ever seems to believe that because they have some pre-conceived notion of who I am or what I want. They assume that I want something serious even if I actively tell them otherwise, or in some cases, tell me I need something serious or something they aren't able to provide. Without asking me.

What gives you the right to think you know better than I do what's best for me?

I don't think people realize how insulting it is. I don't need you to make my decisions for me. Do I make a bad one every now and then? Sure. It's called being an adult. Being with you might very well end up being one of those bad decisions, but it's still my decision to make.

If you think that we're incompatible because of our life goals, you have feelings for someone else, or anything that will legitimately ruin things in the future, then just be honest with me about those things and let me make an informed decision.

But what really makes the situation worse is when you come into my life, make me want you, and then begin to act this way. If you're not actually planning on following through, then just leave me alone in the first place.

It reminds me of the old Four Seasons song, "Dawn (Go Away)," in which the singer pleads with his love to go with another guy who will be "better" for her because he has more money. It's a good song, but the character singing it needs to let Dawn make her own choices.

Dawn doesn't want that other guy, she wants you, you dumbass. And regardless of whether or not you think the other guy can provide a better life for her, she's never going to be happy with that life if she's with somebody she doesn't want to be with.

I'd be insulted if somebody told me I deserve a better job or better home, so why is it okay to tell me what I deserve or should want in a partner, as if I'm not the one who knows best?

Actually, I have been told these things before, or at the very least, constantly asked what my furure career goals are because of people's assumptions that what I do isn't good enough. Or always having people talk to me about becoming a homeowner in the future when I don't really have any interest in that because I love my apartment. When I currently have the job and home that I want and love, why would you tell me I deserve something else? I do deserve better pay, but that's beside the point; money isn't the reason I chose my job, and I don't feel like it's necessary to live somewhere bigger than what my actual needs are just to impress others.

My happiness doesn't hinge on whether or not I'm meeting other people's ideas of success such as money or status. My relationships don't, either.

It would be one thing if I were settling for somebody who didn't treat me right, or someone who was actively involved in harmful activities that would negatively impact me, but those are never the people I fall for. I have better judgment than that; and yet no one seems to trust my judgment. Everyone seems to think they know better than I do. It's about time everybody stopped treating me like I can't make my own decisions.

All I want from a love interest is to be treated well, for them to make as much effort as I do, to have a 50/50 relationship based on equality and mutual respect. If you think you can't do that for whatever reason, then tell me that. If you have some trait you perceive as negative, tell me about that too. And let me decide if I think it's negative or not. Don't just make assumptions in your head. Have enough respect for me as an adult human being to understand that I'm the only one who knows what's best for me.

And that might, in fact, be you.

I know that it's hard to overcome trauma and others' negative opinions of you that have sunken so deep into your subconscious. Maybe you truly believe you're a terrible person and unworthy of love. But if somebody you deem a "good person" sees something beautiful in you and wants to offer you love, try to accept that. Try to believe them. If you really think they're as good a person as you say, then they wouldn't lie to you, would they?

That's pretty insulting too; that people I'm into seem to think I'm lying. Why would I do that? Do they think I'm acting like I have feelings for them out of pity? That I have some sort of ulterior motive? I don't know, but the unfortunate fact is people like this may never believe that somebody could feel that way about them.

What I've finally learned is that this has nothing to do with me. After falling for this type of person so many times, it began to feel like it was something I was doing wrong. I was the common denominator, so it must have been my fault, or at least that's what I thought for a while. But I now understand that, as I said earlier, I can't make a person believe something they're not ready to believe.

A couple of years ago, there was a very profound, thought-provoking Twitter thread going around, written from the perspective of an insecure person who was finally realizing how hurtful it is to their partner. The account has now been deleted, but I was able to find the whole thread on a different website so I hope they don't mind me sharing a link to it. My favorite excerpts are below:

It's hard not to feel like they're punishing me for their own lack of self-esteem. Like I keep failing at relationships because I'm too good a partner, which is ridiculous.

I definitely have my own issues, too, so I understand how it's possible to carry things from one relationship to the next. For instance, I've been ghosted so many times that the slightest change in behavior over text makes me worry someone is withdrawing (though to be fair, I haven't been wrong about this yet) and I am extremely anxious about letting myself get close to somebody because it always ends the way I've described. But when I meet somebody I could see myself falling for, I really do try to have faith in them. I try to believe it will be different this time, because this person is different. I try not to punish them for the actions of those who came before them.

I have asked myself if there's a reason that I, whether consciously or subconsciously, fall for this type of person over and over. Part of it might be my desire to show love to the unloved, but that's usually just about human kindness and compassion, never about anything romantic. While I am definitely glad to offer reassurance to anyone I love who's unsure of themselves, it isn't a scenario I actively seek out. I don't get off on being with an insecure person just so I can boost their confidence. In fact, the majority of people I've ended up in this situation with actually did a good job of feigning confidence when I first met them, so it wasn't until later that I realized their self-esteem was actually low. So no, I don't think I am subconsciously seeking them out; it's just something that seems to happen to me.

In a way, these people are right about them being bad for me, but the only thing making them bad for me is their refusal to accept my affection after making it seem like they wanted it. Because in every other way they actually were great for me. They made me happy, brought something positive to my life -- until they decided to back away -- and even made me want to become a better version of myself.

I thought they deserved the best and I wanted to give that to them. It's a shame that they didn't agree with me. I wish I could make them see themselves through my eyes, but I can't.

So if you're reading this and you're one of those people I've described, someone who won't be open to receiving the love of an amazing partner... my plea to you is that you try to work through this in therapy; and if you meet someone you're interested in, just leave them alone until you're sure that you're capable of accepting any affection they might want to give you. Please don't disturb their life until you're ready to actually have a relationship with them. Otherwise, you're causing a lot of harm that continues to perpetuate itself in all of their future relationships as well.

In the future, I will do my best to identify and avoid this type of person. Maybe that sounds harsh since their lack of self-esteem isn't necessarily their fault, and maybe I'm selfish for giving up on them before I even meet them -- but it's been proven many times now that it isn't going to work out with someone like this, so I have to protect myself.

As a matter of fact, this most recent experience has soured me on the idea of love completely. I was already 95% of the way there, because admittedly, I have spent the last eleven or twelve years getting closer and closer to giving up, as this sort of situation has continued to happen to me over and over. It feels like there might be no coming back from this one -- and I'm okay with that. I've had time to cool down, think it through from a calm and rational standpoint, and I don't think I'll be interested in offering my heart to anybody for a very long time.

Well-meaning people always say that someday I'll find the person who changes everything, truly appreciates me, "sweeps me off my feet," etc. And maybe that will happen; I have no way of knowing. But maybe I don't want it to happen. Maybe I'd rather just stay in my happily-single mindset for the rest of my life... or at least the next fifteen years or so. Maybe I'll find a queerplatonic partner and live my life out with them, or date a few people casually for short periods, or just continue kicking ass on my own. I am not afraid of being an "old maid" -- a misogynistic phrase that should never be used seriously -- or of dying alone or whatever other thing the patriarchy tells me I should be ashamed of as a single woman. There are many types of love in the world, and a romantic one is not necessary to live a fulfilled life.

If I do change my mind, though, at least I have come to this realization, and a result, I hope I will do better at choosing people who are actually open to letting me love them, and filtering out the people who aren't. Never again do I plan to make room in my heart for someone who doesn't want to be there.

tags: love, relationships, self-esteem, mental health