A Comprehensive List of Reasons I Will Never Have Kids
July 12, 2022 (updated July 12, 2023)
This post was originally written in 2022, but updated in 2023 as I thought of more things to add. Points marked with an asterisk were added with the 2023 update. I have known since I was 16 that I didn't want to have kids. I just turned 33, and still people ask me this question all the time, many times implying or flat-out saying to my face that I will "change my mind" someday, as if a woman who doesn't want to be a mother is the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard. At 33, I'm pretty sure if I were ever going to change my mind, I would have by now. Though admittedly many people think I'm a lot younger than I am -- and by the way, I attribute my youthful looks, at least in part, to my decision not to have kids -- but I'm pretty sure I've still been told this by some people who were aware of my age. (P.S. Don't say this to anybody of any age, it's rude even if the person is still young.) Although these days, the number of people who choose a childfree lifestyle is growing and growing, there are still people who can't wrap their minds around it. Or, in some cases, perhaps people who are a little bit jealous of the freedom childfree people have and like to make themselves feel like heroes for the sacrifices they've made in order to have kids? Either way, the existence of people who don't want kids is, for some reason, still a controversial topic. I understand that many people love kids and can't imagine life without being a parent. Do I understand why? Not really. But I do understand that it takes all kinds, and that different lifestyles work for different people. And yet, a lot of people don't give me and other non-parents the same respect. So here is my list (and I'm not even sure it's complete yet) of reasons that I will never be a parent.1. I don't like being around them
People get mad when I say I don't like kids or that I hate kids, so I'll phrase it like this instead. Obviously when I say that I hate kids, I'm saying it colloquially. I wish kids all the best and believe they all deserve to be safe, healthy, have a loving family, etc. They are innocent and deserve to be protected and well cared-for. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't like being in the presence of children. I don't know how to interact with them, and when I try or even succeed, it's all fake. I have zero motherly instinct. When I'm forced to interact with kids (such as at work) I have to use my observation and acting skills to mimic the way other people act around them. I also hate the bright colors and the toys and all the trappings of childhood, and I can't stand the sound of a baby or a toddler crying. I don't know how parents put up with it without being constantly miserable. And I do not, ever, want to hold your baby. Please don't ask me. I simply don't like being around kids... and I hear that's a pretty big part of being a parent.2. Mothers are treated horribly by society
Society treats women, as a whole, pretty badly. The gender stereotypes and double standards exist for all of us. But for women who have babies with male partners, there's a whole new set of double standards. Sure, they receive some praise for how selflessly many of them sacrifice for their kids. But how about, I don't know, maybe not requiring them to make so many sacrifices in the first place? Many women completely lose their own identity when they have a kid, and are never anything but "such and such's mom" again. Others manage to retain their own identity while raising children -- and good for them! -- but many others in society will actually look down on them for trying to enjoy their own life instead of sacrificing everything they've ever known for their offspring. Even in the year 2022, men still seem to be expected to do almost nothing to help their female partners when it comes to child-rearing. In the U.S., they don't even get paternity leave so they can be at home to help their wife -- who is still recovering from the traumatic experience of either a vaginal birth or a major surgery -- with taking care of the newborn. Men's restrooms don't even have changing tables because it's assumed that the woman should always be the one changing the diapers. Which isn't necessarily to say that men never want to do those things; it's an issue that can affect them too if they are one of the ones actually being good fathers. But the point is that they aren't expected to. Men aren't expected to get up in the middle of the night when the baby cries, or even to spend much time with their children later in life. If they do, they're praised for doing the bare minimum, and it's usually referred to as "babysitting" even though it's their own kid. I remember when I was about 9 years old and visiting family back east, somebody (I'm pretty sure my aunt Jenny, who was my aunt by marriage to my dad's brother) gave me a sweatshirt of hers that showed a cartoon animal hanging laundry on a clothesline and said the words, "A man may work from sun to sun, but a woman's work is never done." I believe one of the male members of my family (either my dad or uncle) jokingly accused her of putting ideas in my head. I guess it worked; thanks, Aunt Jenny. Or perhaps just growing up and seeing what the world is like did that work for her, because as an adult, I definitely understand now what I didn't then. When women finally gained the right to work outside of the home, all that happened was they were suddenly expected to do twice as much work -- because their husbands didn't take on any of the household duties, including parenting. Now women often have full-time jobs as well as doing everything in the household. Both parents can work full-time and still she's the only one expected to take on the household duties in her off-time. For a father, 40 hours a week at work is enough and he isn't expected to cook, clean, and take care of the babies when he gets home. But a mother -- whether working outside the home or not -- is expected to work 24/7. Even if she's a stay-at-home mom, he likely won't be inclined to take the kids off her hands when he gets home so she can finally rest -- he'll be too focused on resting himself. If her husband so much as watches the kids for one day so she can have a girls' night with her friends, or go shopping and get a pedicure, he's praised for it. Men don't deserve praise for that, because it should be normal. And until a major societal shift occurs, you would never catch me having a baby with a man -- even if I actually wanted one. Even if you happen to luck out and meet a man who actually considers you his equal and is willing to do 50% of all the work, you still have to deal with the rest of society trying to force these double standards on you, telling you you're a bad mother for prioritizing your career, acting like your husband is some sort of god for "allowing" you to do the same things he does, asking you invasive questions that they would never ask a man, and so forth. No thanks.#3. I'd rather not destroy my body
Pregnancy does a lot of crazy things to your body, and I'm not talking about weight gain, stretch marks, or anything aesthetic. I'm talking actual, permanent, medical damage. Some people luck out and don't have any major physical complications, other than the obvious discomfort of having a small human inside your abdomen. Some have 9 months of hell and then are pretty much fine after the baby is born. And others can have extreme complications such as losing their teeth or their sight. Yes, pregnancy can make a person go blind or make their teeth fall out. Talk about a literal nightmare coming true. There are many other risks like this that a person takes when they become pregnant, as well. Just Google it and read through some of the real-life horror stories people have shared. Breaking bones because the fetus sucks all the calcium out of your body, blood coming out of nipples, having a stroke, memory loss, genitals turning blue?! (I have never found an answer for why that would happen, so don't ask me, but one Twitter user claims it happened to their sister.) I've even heard that the clitoris can be torn during childbirth. Umm yeah, I'm good. There are a lot of absolutely horrifying stories out there and if you're planning on getting pregnant, I recommend looking into these things before deciding if you actually want to go through with it. I feel like a lot of these things aren't talked about because it would encourage more people to be childfree. It's true that extreme cases like that might not be the majority of pregnancies -- but I'm not about to take the chance of being the one it happens to. That's why, in addition to not wanting kids of my own, I will also never be a surrogate. There are also studies showing that pregnancy might actually accelerate aging, and if you have enough babies -- and the number is surely different for everyone -- you can even have a prolapsed uterus, which means that your uterus literally falls out. My body is not perfect and sometimes we have our disagreements, but I don't hate it enough to put it through any of that. No. Thank. You.#4. Pregnancy disgusts me
"But pregnancy is beautiful and natural!" Not for me, it isn't. If it is for you, that's great. But just because you experience pregnancy a certain way doesn't mean everyone else will. I touched on this in an entry from a year ago about gender, but to me, getting pregnant seems as unnatural as it would to a man, even if I technically have the correct organs for it to happen to me. It still seems just as wrong to me as it would to a cisgender man if a doctor told him he was pregnant. I have never felt more out of place than I do when I'm in an all-female group and everyone else is talking about pregnancy and breastfeeding, and I feel the most disconnected from my identity as a woman when it comes to anything regarding reproduction. But even when it comes to other pregnant people, I don't understand why people can think it's beautiful. And to be clear, I'm not saying pregnant people are physically unattractive. I'm saying that, to me, pregnancy is like a disease and I can't imagine ever calling it beautiful just like I can't imagine calling cancer beautiful. I find it medically fascinating -- and as a medical professional, it's a goal of mine to witness a live birth, which, somehow after all these years, has still not happened -- but I can't understand why anyone would want to get pregnant and actually do it on purpose. To me, it's just a bad thing that happens to people, like cancer, a heart attack, or a gunshot wound. Luckily for others, pregnancy is a temporary disease that is (usually) survivable, but that doesn't make me any more willing to sign up. The part after the pregnancy is gross to me, as well, specifically lactation. The idea of milk coming out of any part of my body sounds so unnatural and disgusting. And the only thing worse than breastfeeding is breast pumping. Hooking myself up to a machine to be milked would make me feel like cattle.#5. Babies and toddlers also disgust me
How do you wipe snot from their faces or watch them get food all over themselves without being grossed out (those pictures are not cute, by the way)? The usual platitude is "It's different when it's your own kid" but I really don't see how having to deal with it 24/7 is going to make it less annoying.#6. I need peace, quiet and cleanliness
I'm very particular about my living space. I need everything to be exactly the way I want it. No crayon on the walls. No screaming and crying. No toys on the floor. No spilled grape juice on the carpet (though I honestly hope never to have carpet in my home again anyway) or bedding. No valuables knocked off the shelf and broken. I can't even think of any pets that meet my standards, and you wonder why I don't want a child?#7. People who have kids together often end up hating each other*
Divorce rates and breakup rates are high these days -- and the amount of unhappiness among people who choose to stay together doesn't seem much better, at least when it comes to straight couples. Have you ever noticed how much straight humor centers around hating your spouse? It's bizarre. Having kids outside of marriage means less legal garbage to deal with in a divorce, but otherwise doesn't make it much better. You're still stuck with the person in some way if you have kids with them. From an outsider's point of view, it's obvious that a large percentage of people who have kids end up hating the child's other parent. It seems like the amount of people who have negative things to say about their babydaddy or babymama is disproportionately high, even among those who were once happy or in love. The bare fact is that the majority of couples eventually break up, and bringing kids into the mix means you're never truly free of that person. Unless they choose not to be involved (which obviously causes its own problems), you're stuck with them through the bonds of coparenting, so even a breakup doesn't mean you're free of them.And I'm definitely not recommending that parents who are unhappily married stay together for the kids; as someone who had parents who fought all the time yet didn't divorce until I was 17, I know that's not a good option. If your relationship isn't working out, you should absolutely feel free to end it. All I'm saying is that having kids complicates things for anybody who doesn't obtain the fairytale ending of happily ever after -- which is most people. I'm extremely grateful that I knew from a young age I didn't want kids, or my 5-year marriage might have led to a very different life for me -- a life I wouldn't want.
#8. Pregnancy can actually kill you, even in modern times*
I already wrote in #3 about many ways pregnancy can destroy or permanently damage your body. But after recently reading about a particular person who lost her life to pregnancy, I decided to include this as a separate issue. This particular person, Tori Bowie (may she rest in peace), was a literal Olympic athlete, a gold medalist, who was only 32 years old and obviously very healthy and in great physical shape. And she died going into labor at her home, with no known complications. This happened in the year 2023. Although I personally am not in the group most affected by pregnancy-related deaths (which are experienced at a disproportionate rate by Black women), I'm still not taking the chance. And if I were a Black woman, I'd be even more wary. I also just read that in my own home state, the number of pregnancy-associated deaths has quadrupled in the past twenty years. So yeah... no. Remember, ladies and AFAB individuals, even if you do want children, it's valid to be concerned about your health after educating yourself on all the possible complications. There are other ways to have them besides giving birth to them yourself and possibly risking your health or life, especially if you are a part of a vulnerable group or have health complications that might make things more difficult for you. Never let anyone guilt you into feeling like you need to give birth in order to be a parent.#9. I don't like foreign objects (including parasites) in my body*
I recently had a kidney stone. It was the first time in my life I've had any kind of health problem, so I absolutely acknowledge how lucky I am in this regard. Because the stone was large enough to cause a blockage, I ended up with an infection and I had to have a stent placed to allow my kidney to drain around the blockage. I have always known I didn't want kids, and especially didn't want to be pregnant, but having this stone and stent in place for several weeks really drove home how much I hate having foreign objects in my body. I spent every day just lamenting the fact that it was there and wanting it OUT. I can't imagine having an actual parasite inside me for 9 months -- and yes, as harsh as it might sound, babies do have a parasitic relationship with their host (a.k.a. their parent) while they are in the womb. In addition to just knowing something was in there that didn't belong, it made me constantly exhausted, unable to do any physical activity without getting physically overwhelmed, out of breath, my heart racing, etc. Granted, a kidney stone is very different than a pregnancy, but arguably easier, so I can imagine that people in late-stage pregnancy must feel at least as overwhelmed by physical activity as I did if not more so, considering the extra weight they're not used to carrying in their midsection. Correct me if I'm wrong, since I've obviously never been pregnant and don't know from experience how it feels; but after having to take it easy for my own health while I had a stent between my kidney and bladder, I can imagine very similarly feeling weak and incapable if I were responsible for protecting something that lived inside me and knew there were certain activities I couldn't do because of it. I don't like it when things put restrictions on what I can and can't do, or having to take it easier than I'm used to. So yeah, even if I lucked out and had a completely healthy pregnancy with no complications, or even any nausea, vomiting, etc., I would still hate being pregnant more than most. I also learned that I could probably never have an IUD, considering how much I hated knowing there was a thing inside me that wasn't supposed to be there. But I would, of course, still take that over a fetus. Nine months is a long time.#10. Simply put, I am not an incubator*
Somebody having a uterus does not mean that they're required to use that uterus to house a baby. The uterus is something that some people have, but it does not define them or determine what their life should be like. My uterus is not up for rent, because I own it and will determine what happens to it. It is not your duty to have children no matter who you are, but especially not because you were born with a uterus.Additionally, if you're a woman who marries a man, it doesn't erase your autonomy. His opinion of whether or not you should get pregnant is not more important than your own, as it's your body. You are not his property and it's not your responsibility to provide him with children if he wants them and you don't. Obviously, I would advise against marrying someone who wants kids if you don't, but in some cases people's preferences can change down the road, and if this happens, it's my opinion that divorcing is a better option than being pressured into giving birth to children you don't want.
I cannot stress this enough: IT IS NOT YOUR DUTY TO PROVIDE A MAN WITH CHILDREN. This always is and always has been the case, but I'm mentioning it now because of a video I recently came across on Facebook that made me feel absolutely disgusted. It was a woman who already had two children "with the wrong person" prior to marrying her current husband. In her captions, she wrote "I don't like the process of pregnancy and would ideally only have two kids..." followed by "Now I have to perform my duties as a wife" because she claimed her new husband "deserves his own fatherhood experience." She ended the video with the words "With a fourth pregnancy, my body is tired, but he's so worth it." The worst part was the number of comments -- a large percentage of them from other women -- making it out to be so beautiful that she was making this sacrifice for her husband, calling her a good wife for being "submissive" (barf) and other such things. It would be different if she was excited about the pregnancy, but she wrote only negative things about it, making it clear she was only doing it because she thought she had to. This mindset makes me want to vomit. So I repeat: IT IS NOT YOUR DUTY TO PROVIDE A MAN WITH CHILDREN. The weirdest thing is I saw another video from her husband's point of view talking about how he'd never wanted kids at all until he met her, and how much he loved her two sons from her previous relationship, how they made him a complete man, etc. So unless he's sugarcoating it for the public, it doesn't even sound like he was the one pressuring her to have two more babies. Maybe it was different behind closed doors, but in this video he made it sound like he was quite happy being a dad to his two step-sons and not necessarily that concerned about being a biological one. It's possible that it was mainly societal brainwashing that made her feel this way. And sadly, there are many women who are brainwashed into believing this, including all of the ones who commented on her video saying how beautiful it was. Perhaps I'm just a naturally born rebel who will never be comfortable doing what people tell me to do or what society expects... but as I wrote in my #2 reason above, until a major societal shift happens and people stop treating women like incubators, I would NEVER willingly become pregnant, out of sheer opposition to, and rejection of, the notion that it's my responsibility to do so.