Another COVID Rant: 2022 Version

January 15, 2022

Just over a year ago, I wrote A Front-Line Healthcare Worker's Rant about how negatively the selfish behavior of people during the COVID-19 pandemic had affected the hospital I work at, as well as how frustrated I was with people who didn't seem to care how it might affect others.

In a way, this is A Front-Line Healthcare Worker's Rant, Part 2 -- but this time the focus will be a little different, despite the frustration coming from a very similar place.

I ended that rant talking about how I didn't want anyone's blood on my hands, and how I felt guilty even going to get my eyebrows waxed once in between waves when cases were low. While I still don't want anyone's blood on my hands, things have changed a lot in the year since then, thanks to the development of the COVID vaccine (which, back then, I had only had one dose of, so I would not be fully vaccinated for about another three weeks). Now, my frustrations, despite being largely caused by the same people, take a different form.

People talk about wanting to go back to normal, and I want that too, in terms of actually coming out on the other side of the pandemic itself: concerts, theatre, no masks, feeling comfortable in crowds again, etc. But at this point, I don't think I will ever go back to feeling the way I used to about humanity. The disappointment, resentment, and anger that I feel towards roughly half of the population isn't going to go away when the danger of COVID is less real. I'm never going to forget the way people acted during this time. I feel like I'm going to be more pessimistic for the rest of my life thanks to it.

I've always had kind of a love/hate relationship with humanity, so it isn't necessarily anything new, but has definitely increased in intensity over the past two years. Maybe it's the love part that makes the hate part even more difficult to endure. If I were someone who just wanted to watch the world burn, maybe I wouldn't care as much. But I'm not that person. The only reason I hate any part of humanity is because of the way they treat the rest of humanity. I'm the type of person who wants good things for everybody, wants people of all races and religions and walks of life to have unity and help each other prosper. And because there are so many people whose actions lead to the exact opposite of that, I can be incredibly dismayed by it all. The selfishness displayed during this pandemic has magnified that tenfold.

Recently, I've become a little more selfish myself, though.

Because I... am... tired. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated and angry and I'm so sick of how other people's actions are affecting me. Because if they want to make this all about them, why shouldn't I do the same?

So this rant is going to be all about me and how I, after almost two years of being cautious for the sake of others, deserve better than to keeping living this way when other people won't do their part.

When the pandemic first became serious, I completely isolated myself, except for going to work. If I could have worked from home, I would have gladly done that. But obviously that was not an option for me because I don't do just any work, but actually on the front lines, taking care of COVID victims themselves, exposing myself every single day that I worked. And that was all I did. I worked, I came home and isolated myself, attempting to block out the stress and trauma as much as possible on my days off, and then I went back to work to deal with it again. For well over a year, I did nothing but work, despite the strain on my mental health, the identity crisis I suffered from being viewed as nothing but a healthcare worker, never getting to see my friends, etc.

When everyone else was saying "We still have to live our lives" as an excuse for why they were still socializing and acting irresponsibly during a pandemic when there was no vaccine, I said "No, we don't; we can put them on hold for a while in order to save lives." And that's exactly what I did. I put my entire life on hold for almost 18 months.

I did the responsible thing that whole time. I wore a mask everywhere and avoided leaving my house whenever I could, I did the whole social distancing thing, even around people who didn't seem to care, to protect them. I knew I was high-risk for spreading it due to my occupation and I wanted to protect others. I never social-distanced to protect me, it was always about others. I specifically told my friends to avoid me, even more than they should avoid their other friends, because I didn't want to pass something on to them that I picked up at work.

I was among the first people in the United States to get vaccinated, and even after being fully vaccinated, I waited months before seeing my friends mask-less because I wasn't sure if being vaccinated was enough to prevent the spread, and because not all of my friends were able to get vaccinated right away, the way my occupation afforded me that opportunity. I refused to have unvaccinated friends inside my home. I took every precaution.

Additionally, I had to give up concerts and theatre, which are pretty much my only outlets outside of my home and enormously beneficial to my mental health. Granted, many of those events were cancelled anyway (as they should have been), but even the ones that weren't, I wouldn't go to them. I was willing to sacrifice one of the things that make me happiest, temporarily, for the greater good.

I sacrificed so much in the name of keeping other people alive and healthy.

Now we've had a vaccine for over a year, and there are still people running around out there refusing to get vaccinated, refusing to wear masks, and as a result, the pandemic is even worse than it was at its previous peak. The new variant is more contagious, the hospital is even more overwhelmed, and my work life just keeps getting more and more stressful.

And I am tired of being the one sacrificing.

I did my part. I can't do everybody else's part, too.

After enduring everything I have over the past 22 months, I deserve to go to concerts again. I deserve to travel. I deserve to live my life that I've put on hold for so long. And I deserve to do it all without unvaccinated people ruining it all for me. I'm pissed that after doing literally everything I could to make the world a safer place, after doing everything right, everything I was supposed to do, it's somebody else's stupid choices that can ruin it all for me.

The unfairness of it all is such a heavy burden.

It is no longer my place to protect you. We have a vaccine for that now. A vaccine that has existed for an entire year, and if you haven't gotten it by now, I feel zero responsibility to protect your health. The only exception here is people who are unable to get the vaccine for medical reasons, or children/elderly/disabled people who are under the unfortunate care of someone else who won't do what's best for them. Those people I genuinely feel bad for, though there's nothing I can do about the situation.

Now, that being said, after almost two years of constant exposure and somehow avoiding infection for so long, I did finally get COVID at the very beginning of this month. Because I am fully vaccinated and boosted, it was nothing. I didn't even feel sick; it felt like I had a little bit of allergies for about a week with a mild scratchy throat for a couple of days. I lucked out in that it didn't affect my ability to enjoy my time off at all, I felt almost completely normal and enjoyed having an unplanned vacation from work. But I still quarantined my full 10 days, and decided to wait until I was testing negative and adequate time had passed before seeing friends or being around anybody without a mask on. (I still haven't reached that point, as of writing this.) I was supposed to have someone come over to my apartment the day I noticed the scratchy throat, and I told them not to come just in case (and at this time, I had no idea it was COVID, but the possibility of passing along a cold or any other illness was something I didn't want either -- and then I was surprised by a positive COVID test a couple days later).

I'm still being as responsible as I can because I do still care. I still wear a mask in most public places, even though it isn't required anymore, and I decided to hold off on some get-togethers I wanted to plan or attend because there was such a huge wave of the omicron variant going around. So even though I'm overwhelmingly tired of taking on the added burden of other people's choices, I will still be cautious when I feel like it's the right thing to do.

But that doesn't change how upset I am at being forced to live this way so much longer than necessary.

I still believe we should do at least the bare minimum. We should be extra cautious around people we know are immunocompromised, we should get tested and stay home when we're sick, we should fulfill the full (at least) 10-day quarantine if we test positive or suspect we've been infected, wear masks when necessary, avoid huge crowds when a wave is going through our area, and just generally be considerate of others.

But it's unfair to say that those of us who've done everything we can -- mainly by getting vaccinated -- have the same responsibilities as the unvaccinated to stay home and stop the spread. I will not accept the idea that I should still be expected to make the same sacrifices they're expected to. We are not equally to blame in all of this.

I got vaccinated to protect others, yes; but also so I could, in time, get back to living my life the way I did before this pandemic. As close as possible anyway. So yes, I'm going to go to concerts, I'm going to go to the theatre, I'm going to go to the roller derby -- at least those events that aren't cancelled -- because after all this time sacrificing and doing everything I could to protect everyone but myself, I deserve it.

Luckily, most of the venues in my city are requiring either proof of vaccination or a negative test within the past 72 hours prior to entry. I support the first part of this, but I do disagree with the second part. You can literally get infected five minutes after getting tested -- and when you go to a place where testing is being done, you're going to be exposed to people who likely are positive, or at the very least, probably staff members who've been exposed to people who were positive, which increases your chance of getting infected. So if you get a test two days before the event you want to attend, but are exposed to someone else at the testing center who has it, you have two days to then become contagious yourself and start an outbreak at the event. So no, I don't think a negative test is good enough. I think unvaccinated people should not be allowed entry, full stop.

You should have to make the choice between remaining unvaccinated or going to events. You should not be able to do both. Allowing unvaccinated people into clubs or venues is like giving them the participation trophies people like to complain about so much. If you don't win, you don't get a trophy, right? And if you don't get the jab, you don't get the reward.

Things aren't like they were a year ago, when only healthcare workers and the elderly could get vaccinated. The vaccine is widely available and easy to get now, so unless you have a condition that makes it medically contraindicated, you have no excuse not to get it.

This goes for traveling, as well.

I'm supposed to be traveling internationally to see my mother in about two months. I haven't seen her in almost 15 years. If this was last year, and she and her family (my step-father and younger half-brother) had not yet had the opportunity to get vaccinated, I would never go visit them and put them in danger. Regardless of it being 14 years since seeing her, I could not have brought myself to do it, the way so many people were spending time with their extended families last holiday season when the vaccine didn't exist yet. But since all of us have been fully vaccinated, and we haven't seen each other in so long, we have the right to visit with each other now -- before something else happens that prevents it for who knows how much longer. It's part of our reward for doing things the right way.

And if there's an outbreak on the airplane I have to take to get there, or at an event I attend there or locally, guess whose fault it is? Not mine. Because while an outbreak can still happen, it won't go very far in a completely-vaccinated crowd; that's the whole point of herd immunity. Allowing unvaccinated people into those spaces is why outbreaks are still happening at events.

Possibly my most controversial opinion, the one that might make you think "But that's just inhumane" is this: I also don't think purposely-unvaccinated people have a right to medical care when they inevitably get sick with COVID. If you don't trust medical science enough to get the vaccine, why are you coming crying to us when you get sick, wanting us to fix you? As an ER worker, I always treat every patient with the same respect and will do whatever I can to save a life, as it is my duty to do; but I'm sick of these people who previously believed they were invincible, despite all the warnings we've given them, coming to the ER and whining when they finally realize their life could actually be in danger.

When the pandemic first began, I felt bad for people who came in horribly sick with COVID because there was no way to avoid it at that time. Now, I'm just annoyed by most of them because there was a way to avoid it and they didn't take the opportunity.

Sure, vaccinated people can still get it, and in fact, most of the people I know who are vaccinated (including myself, now) have still gotten a later variant after getting vaxxed. But it's been very mild for all of us. I occasionally see vaccinated people come into the ER because they're freaking out about a positive test or a sore throat (even though their symptoms are still mild), but it's unvaccinated people who are the overwhelming majority of patients I see now. And the overwhelming majority of people who get severely sick or die from it.

People don't usually die from COVID in the ER, although I've definitely seen it happen. Usually we try to get them to ICU before it happens. Although, sometimes the ICU is so full that we have to hold those patients in the ER instead, leading to a huge back-up and an almost unbelievable number of people in the ER waiting room. The most I've seen at this point is 87 (when I wrote my last rant a year ago, it was only 50). Imagine walking into the emergency room for care and seeing 87 other people all waiting to be seen, some of whom have been waiting for almost 12 hours because there are no beds.

Unvaccinated people are the reason the hospitals are overwhelmed. And the more overwhelmed they become, the higher the chances of doctors having to make the decision of who lives and who dies. It is my honest opinion that the purposely-unvaccinated COVID patients should always be the lowest priority. It might sound cruel, but if given the choice between saving the life of a person who did everything they could and one who didn't even care about their own life (or others' lives) enough to get the vaccine, it's a no-brainer to me.

I think that everyone who purposely chooses not to get vaccinated should be made to sign a waiver saying that the hospital is legally allowed to refuse them care. Yes, even in a life-threatening situation. If you want to die, that's fine, but do it in your own home because all of our beds are reserved for people who actually cared enough to get vaccinated against the inevitable.

How does that saying go? "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes?"

I understand that this outlook might be considered cruel, as well as selfish, as the amount of patients the hospital is forced to take on directly affects how stressful my work life is, which also affects me as an individual even outside of work. So yes, I am thinking about myself and how this affects me. After all, nobody else is going to.

You might read my thoughts and think, "You're no better than the unvaccinated people with how selfish you're being now."

And to that, I shrug my shoulders, because after all this time, I am too exhausted to care anymore.

I cared so much, and for as long as could reasonably be expected. Now I'm just going to go blow off some steam at whatever concerts I have tickets for that don't wind up cancelled.

tags: covid-19, healthcare, pandemic, rant