Let's Talk About Gender

July 17, 2021

Most -- though not all -- people identify pretty strongly with a gender. It also tends to be one of the things people are most comfortable policing about other people's identities.

I can't imagine telling somebody that I know more about them than they do, but that's exactly what a large percentage of the population does when they tell trans and non-binary people that they aren't the gender they say they are. If there's anyone reading this who doesn't know, non-binary is an umbrella that includes everyone who doesn't identify as either male or female, and binary trans people are either male or female, but not the one that matches up with their physical body. AFAB and AMAB are abbreviations I might use throughout this article, which mean "assigned female/male at birth" -- a person with an outwardly male- or female-appearing body who was assigned the corresponding gender when they were born, but may or may not actually identify with that gender.

I'm not an expert in everything trans or non-binary, but I do my best to understand. And I know that many people simply can't understand the idea of someone's gender being different from what body parts they have. But the thing is, we don't have to understand everything a person tells us about themselves; we only have to respect it.

If I ask someone not to use a certain nickname for me because I don't like it, and they continue to do it anyway even after I told them not to, of course I'm going to be pissed because that person deliberately disrespected my wishes. If you can understand that, then you can understand why you should use the name and pronouns a trans or non-binary person asks you to. It's only about respecting a person's wishes, and trusting that they know themselves better than you know them.

Everything about human beings, from biological sex, to gender, to sexual orientation, is a spectrum. Intersex people, non-binary people, bi and pan and asexual people, all exist. Everything is not just a "this or that, choose one" type of scenario. Science supports this. And as new information becomes available, we should be able to adapt and accept that things aren't exactly the way we thought they were, rather than insisting something is correct just because it's what we've always accepted in the past. Scientific knowledge is constantly changing and updating, and society needs to do the same. So needless to say, I support trans and non-binary people and their right to be their true selves.

So what about my gender, personally?

Well, I've never talked about it in a public forum before, except for in queer-friendly groups where it came up in discussion. And this isn't a "coming out" post necessarily; I'm not changing my pronouns, I don't want people to make any changes in how they address me, and I don't want it to be a big deal. But while I still identify as a cis woman, I actually believe I am agender (a form of non-binary where a person doesn't have any gender at all). My sex is female, but I view gender as something completely unnecessary and irrelevant to my life. In fact, gender doesn't really make sense to me. It makes sense to most people and is important to a lot of people, and that's perfectly fine, but to me it would make more sense if everyone was agender, physical sex was only important in terms of intimate relationships and family-building, and traits were never considered masculine or feminine based on society's standards but instead everyone was able to express themselves however they wanted.

Although identifying as female, I've never really felt like I was 100% female, but more in-between. In recent years I've been thinking about it more and more. I used to have these discussions with a former work partner about how neither of us felt like we were truly, entirely the gender we were assigned at birth. That person later came out as trans, and while I'm definitely not a trans man, I still feel the same way I did back then about not being fully a woman.

Though there are definitely other things about the typical female experience that I can't relate to, a lot of my disconnect seems to stem from my reproductive system itself. Every time I have to listen to other women discussing pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, I feel less and less like someone who's fully a woman. But it isn't just because I don't want kids -- which is also true -- but because it doesn't even feel like I should be capable of getting pregnant. It feels completely foreign to me. Alien, even. The way I imagine it does to men. I obviously have a uterus, and unfortunately am reminded of this every month; and I know that technically it could happen, but inside, I feel like there's no way pregnancy is a possibility. I've often wondered if maybe I truly am infertile and my brain somehow knows this, and that's why the idea feels so completely removed from reality and who I am.

Even if I wanted kids, the fact that someone would use the word "mother" to describe me makes me feel really... creeped out. If I were ever to adopt or even someday marry someone who has kids, I'd prefer to be referred to as a parent or step-parent... but a mother or step-mother??? Never. That isn't me. It feels just as weird to me as it would feel to a man if you called him a mother.

And for the record, this isn't because of abandonment or any kind of trauma involving my mother that would prevent me from wanting to be like her. Actually, my mom is the only parent I really had a good relationship with, and she was always one of my best friends. I haven't seen her in a long time now due to physical distance, but we still have a close and loving relationship.

So by now, you might be asking, "Why do you even identify as a cis woman then?"

One simple answer is that I care so little about it that I figured I might as well identify as whatever my body is. I'm by no means saying that everyone should do this, but as my own personal decision, it just makes the most sense to me. If I don't truly feel like I relate to any gender, why not just go by what my sex is?

And perhaps this is actually how most cis people feel, which is another reason I don't necessarily feel like I'm different from cis people. But while many cis people are resigned to the idea that your sex determines your gender, I understand that it doesn't; I simply feel like there's no point in identifying as anything else (again, this is just my personal preference; others should do what they want!) It just wouldn't benefit me enough to make it worth it to use different pronouns or ask people not to refer to me as a woman. I have no problem being a woman -- and I know that I'm definitely not a man.

It does make me wonder, though. Would the majority of people feel the need to identify strongly with any gender at all if gender roles, expectations, and stereotypes weren't so prominent in our society? If people were truly treated as equals and allowed to be themselves regardless of what they looked like -- if men and women were "allowed" to express themselves how they wanted and nobody cared -- would so many people have gender dysphoria? Or has the insistence throughout history that a man or woman look, dress and act a certain way created gender dysphoria? Would a trans woman, for instance, be okay with being seen as a "man" if there were no societal expectations of what a "man" actually is, and she could still express herself in a way that's true to herself? I guess there's no way of knowing, because gender expectations are so deeply ingrained in society.

In my perfect society -- which obviously will never exist -- gender wouldn't even really be a thing. Biological sex would only be important when it came to mating and reproducing, and everybody would more or less be agender, and be comfortable expressing themselves however they wanted. There would be no misogyny or homophobia preventing men from wearing dresses, heels, makeup, etc. on a regular basis, and those things would not be considered "feminine" traits, but simply human traits. And because it would be widely accepted that a man can do these things, I also hope that there would be very little dysphoria -- though, of course, if somebody did still identify as the opposite of their reproductive sex, or want to get surgery to change the appearance of their body, it would be accepted wholeheartedly and without question. Gender roles would be completely non-existent and unheard of. There would be no silly rules like the man has to make the first move or be the one to propose marriage, and parenting would truly be 50/50 instead of one parent automatically being expected to be more involved.

Sometimes I hate existing in a female body. I don't want to be looked at the way people have been conditioned to look at me. I like my body shape and my personal style -- so it isn't like I specifically wish to be more androgynous -- but I do wish I could exist without being seen as a woman. I want to just be seen as a person. Most people misunderstand me when I say this, thinking that I want to start dressing differently or that I wish my body type was more rectangular so that people can't tell if I'm male or female. That's not what I mean at all. I don't want to change me. I want to change society. I want other people to have the ability to look at me and just see my humanity rather than my sex or my gender. Like when I see a cat or a dog, my first thought is not something along the lines of "Hey, it's a female cat." It is just a cat. And I want to be just a human. Treated the same way any other human would be.

Which brings me to my second reason for identifying as a cisgender woman, despite the fact that I might truly be agender instead.

Basically, it's because of feminism itself.

Although my gender identity is not directly related to my body parts, it is related to my experiences, as well as the experiences of those who have come before me and who exist on this planet with me. And being someone who has the anatomy I have, it has definitely affected my experience of existing in this world. The unwanted attention from men, being sexualized against my will, the men who don't want to take no for an answer, as well as facing other types of misogyny and discrimination because of the body I was born in, being viewed as less capable, less strong, more emotional, etc. I do relate more closely to being female than male, for sure. And a lot of that is because of my experiences living in a female body. While transphobia is unfortunately even more rampant in our society, being a woman is still viewed negatively as well.

Because of those things alone, I feel, in a way, bonded to my female experience. And I will continue proudly identifying as a woman, breaking stereotypes about women, uplifting other women, and proving that women and AFAB people can do whatever they want to do.

So even though I don't strongly relate to or identify with being female, I will own my womanhood and stand proudly in it.

Will that change someday? Maybe. Everything about our identities is fluid, and as we learn more about ourselves, sometimes our labels change. If you've read my posts about sexual orientation, you know that I'm still on my self-discovery journey in other ways, and honestly, I don't know if I'll ever stop discovering myself. Being open to change is a good thing anyway. I do also think it's important for non-binary activism and awareness to be more widespread, so who knows, maybe someday that will be my calling. After all, as an agender person -- even a female-identifying agender person -- I suppose I would technically fall under the non-binary umbrella. But right now, I don't feel like that is my calling, and it doesn't feel right to insert myself under that umbrella. And we all have to do what feels right for us.

And that's the bottom line, really: everyone should do what's best for them, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. And somebody else's gender identity does not hurt you or affect you in any way.

When it comes to my style and presentation, I do present more feminine due to my long hair, occasional makeup use, and trying to find clothes that actually work well on my hourglass figure. But I also really appreciate gender-bending and androgynous clothing. I would absolutely wear more men's clothes if my waist wasn't so much smaller than my hips, making everything fit me terribly. I've long wanted to get myself a nice tailored suit or tuxedo. If I ever get married again, maybe I'll wear a tux then. I already have the top hat. I'm glad that my chest is relatively flat compared to many women, because I actually prefer that look, and have even considered trying out a binder just to see how it looks. Additionally, I usually prefer wearing cologne and men's fragrances (body spray, shower gel, etc.) to "women's" scents.

Long story short, gender is not only complicated, but also a very strange social construct that I wish didn't exist at all; but that doesn't mean I'm going to invalidate how important it might be to somebody else. I can't imagine feeling trapped in a body that didn't match my identity. If you're a cis person who identifies strongly with your gender, imagine waking up tomorrow with the opposite sex's body. Wouldn't it feel like something was wrong when you looked in the mirror, not just because you suddenly had different body parts than you're used to, but because deep inside you have an instinct that tells you what your gender is? That's more or less what dysphoria is, and trans people have felt that way their entire life. So be respectful of them. Trust that they know who they are.

And when it comes to non-binary folks, I know that the concept is hard to get used to for some. I know that using pronouns like "they/them" is difficult sometimes. I struggle with it, too. Not because of grammar -- we use the words "they" and "them" all the time in our daily lives when we don't know the gender of the person we're referring to. I think it's actually that sense of unfamiliarity that makes it uncomfortable for me. I'm most used to using those words when I've never met the person in question, so it feels unfamiliar and almost disrespectful to refer to someone that way unless it's an unseen person. But it isn't disrespectful if it's what the person wants and requests of you. So please just respect their wishes.

I'd also like to take this time to remind you that gender roles and expectations are trash. Even if your gender identity and the sex you were assigned at birth align with each other, you can still do things that don't fit into what society expects of you. Only you know what's right for you. A great example I was thinking of recently is the late Pete Burns, the lead singer of the band Dead or Alive. Pete was a very pretty man in the 80's who had luxurious long curls, wore makeup, and presented very "feminine," even getting surgeries later in life that made him look more like a woman. Many people thought he was a trans woman. But when it came to his gender, he still strongly identified as a man, saying that the idea of somebody thinking he was a woman freaked him out, even though he loved women and men as well. He had lovers of both genders, and was married to a woman, Lynne Corlett, for 26 years, as well as having some highly homoerotic music videos. He preferred not to label himself, and that's totally fine. Pete was just out there living his best life, not caring what anybody thought of him. "I'm just Pete," he supposedly said.

I think we could all stand to be a little more like Pete.

tags: gender