7 Things Being Asexual Does NOT Exclude You From

February 25, 2021

This article was inspired by Yasmin Benoit, a British model and activist who happens to be asexual and aromantic, and someone I admire for the strides she has made toward breaking stereotypes about asexual people. Among other things, she models lingerie, which doesn't sit well with a lot of people who claim you can't pose in "sexual" photographs while being asexual, an argument that is inaccurate and just plain dumb, and I'll go into detail why in a minute. Yasmin began the hash tag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike, showing that people on the asexual spectrum do not have a certain look and can present however they want.

"Attractive" or provocative asexual people, and Yasmin in particular, have been the target of mass bullying many times just in the short year or less that I've been following her on Twitter, including a current wave of hate that has spread over the past couple of days. Personally, I love that Yasmin is breaking stereotypes; but many others claim she is just "attention seeking" (which, honestly, even if it were true, why do you care so much?) and basically just doing everything wrong (after all, she is a woman, and anything you do as a woman will get you criticized).

The level of hate she's currently receiving on Twitter is what inspired me to sit down and write this list of things that asexual people, just like people of every other sexual orientation, have every right to do.

Having a Sex Life

Asexuality, just like homo-, hetero-, or bisexuality, is a sexual orientation. It is not a quantifier of how much sex you want to have. It is about an absence of sexual attraction. When you're asexual, you don't experience sexual attraction to any gender. Yes, asexuality is a spectrum, and if you're somewhere else on the spectrum, like grey or demisexual, you might experience it very rarely or mildly. In this case, it can be used alongside another orientation, for example grey-bisexual, or demi-heterosexual. But asexual by itself is a valid sexual orientation that does not need to be used in conjunction with any other. If you have no attraction at all, there can be no object of attraction.

Does this mean that asexual people can't have sex? Of course not.

People who don't experience sexual attraction don't have a medical condition. Their bodies still work the way everyone else's bodies work. Attraction and libido are separate things. Stimulation is another entirely separate thing. Some aces have very little or no desire for sex of any kind, while others have a high libido, described as an itch that frequently needs scratching. This can be taken care of by another person or by one's self. Even those who are repulsed by the idea of bringing another person into their sex life can enjoy self-pleasure or the use of toys because stimulation is not the same as attraction. And as long as it's consensual, there is no reason that aces can't engage in sex acts with somebody else as well to achieve stimulation.

People of every sexual orientation occasionally have sex with people they aren't necessarily attracted to. Sometimes they are taking advantage of that person or have ulterior motives, but there are lots of other reasons that could be possibilities as well. It could be a gay man who's in the closet and only sleeps with women, or vice versa (do you realize how many gays and lesbians have children that were conceived before they came out as gay?) or on a similar note, someone who's simply helping out a single friend who wants to get pregnant (I believe there have been movies about this). They could have sex for love (yes, it is possible to love someone without being sexually attracted to them), reproduction, money, curiosity, or their own pleasure. Again, as long as everything that happens is consensual, why would you care?

The bottom line is action does not equal attraction. Asexuality is not the same as abstinence or celibacy, which is a deliberate choice that can be made by people of any orientation for a variety of reasons. Asexual people can have active sex lives, or they can have no sex life at all -- just like everyone else.

Being Attractive or "Sexy"

If you're straight, haven't you ever looked at a gay person and found them attractive? Does that mean that person is going to be attracted to you? No. Because they are not attracted to people of your gender. Neither are asexual people. Your level of attraction to them does not define their sexual orientation.

Telling an asexual woman she shouldn't model lingerie because people will be attracted to her is like telling a lesbian she shouldn't model it because men will be attracted to her.

Asexual people can wear whatever they want, including "revealing" outfits and makeup, if it makes them happy -- or if they are getting paid to model those things. And here's another news flash for you: even straight women are allowed to wear things for themselves rather than for men. Stop thinking that everything a woman does is to benefit you. I have a feeling that if Yasmin were a white male model, instead of a Black woman, there might not be as much backlash. Misogyny, racism, homophobia and acephobia often go hand-in-hand.

Most people want to look nice and wear what they're comfortable in, whatever that means to them. Other people's response to that is not our problem. If we like the way an outfit looks on us, we have every right to show it off. People who say otherwise are the same people who think girls shouldn't wear tank tops in school because it "distracts" the boys. The burden here is on the beholder to control their feelings, not the person who had the audacity to be pretty in a public space.

Additionally, some aces might specifically enjoy being viewed as sexy by others, but that doesn't mean they are "leading people on" or being unauthentic, especially in an online environment where they are never even going to meet the people who so angrily call them "grifters" and "attention seekers." It's okay to be confident and want to look good, and there's no deception in posting a picture in clothes that flatter your body. Showing one's body or even posing a certain way isn't an invitation for sex. This way of thinking is what leads to rape culture.

Having Loving Relationships

Being asexual, or even aromantic, doesn't mean you're destined to be alone, although many people on those spectrums might be more comfortable being alone.

Many asexual people have split attraction, meaning they are romantically attracted to people, just not sexually. Many of those have committed, loving romantic relationships, either with other asexual people, or with allosexual people who understand their boundaries. Their allo partners might have a low libido, or the ace partner might have a high one, so just because their attraction is mismatched doesn't mean they aren't on the same page when it comes to their sex life. Or, if their libidos are mismatched as well, polyamory and open relationships is a good solution for some couples. Again, asexual people often find relationships with each other, too. Each romantic relationship is unique and the only thing that matters is that everyone is on the same page and everything is consensual.

These scenarios are not uncommon, at all, so let's please stop portraying all asexual people as robotic or psychotic people who are emotionless and incapable of love.

If you're not into romantic relationships, queer-platonic relationships and platonic life-partners are also a thing that could be right for you. Family relationships and friendships are important, and aromantic people tend to understand this in a way allo people may not. There are a lot of different ways to have meaningful relationships.

Being Sex Workers

We've already established that people, of any orientation, can have sex with people they aren't attracted to. One of the reasons people might do that is because it's their job.

Jobs that involve being paid for sex acts, such as porn actors, have nothing to do with your orientation. Would you expect that a porn star who's straight in real life never engages in same-sex acts on camera? That anyone who does film porn with the same sex is automatically gay or bisexual in real life, and that only straight people act in straight porn? That seems pretty unrealistic. I mean, think about it. Do you really believe that everyone who hooks up on camera is actually attracted to each other? For that matter, what about actors whose characters get together in regular movies? I guess it worked out that way for Brad and Angelina, but for most people, it's just acting.

Telling someone they shouldn't have a certain job based on their sexual orientation is ridiculous. And again, not all asexual people are sex-repulsed. If you were, then a career in sex work would definitely not be for you. But there's a whole variety of ways that asexual people could feel about sex, ranging from repulsion to favorability to indifference.

The sex-indifferent might actually have more success in this field as long as they have the acting skills. I'm not saying I would actually do it, and the reality is I probably would not, but a common joke among some of my friends is the idea of finding a sugar daddy; and the truth is that idea actually became a lot more palatable after I came out as asexual and came to terms with my sex-aversion. I don't personally view sex as an act of love, and it isn't something I enjoy or necessarily find repulsive. I just find it boring and it's something I'm just not interested in and would rather avoid. So to me, being someone's sugar baby would be a job just like any other. It would be no different than making a living by doing something else I don't enjoy or that bores me.

I believe we should always be up-front and honest in our relationships -- any kind of relationship. Being a gold digger (one who feigns interest in someone for monetary gain) is wrong because it's dishonest and hurtful to the other party; but being a sugar baby or trophy spouse isn't inherently wrong. If the relationship is approached with honesty, it could be a lucrative business opportunity that benefits both parties.

People who work retail, food service, customer service, and many other jobs, don't enjoy their work. That's why they're jobs. No one would do them if they didn't need to make a living. So why wouldn't people who don't necessarily enjoy sex be able to pursue a career in sex work?

"But they are just capitalizing on people's attraction to them." So are sex workers of every other orientation. Do you believe that the lap-dancers at the strip club are actually into you? If you do, I feel sorry for you.

Having Kids

Come on. The assumption that having a baby or a family means someone isn't asexual is just absurd! Just... think about it for a minute. There are so many ways to have kids, including but not limited to: conceiving before you come out of the closet, conceiving with a friend because you really want a baby, going to a sperm bank, starting a family with someone you love and having sex only for that reason, adopting a child, and don't forget, as already discussed, having sex because you actually like it. None of this invalidates your asexuality. Being a parent has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. What an outdated way of viewing parenthood.

Flirting and Dating

If you view an asexual person flirting with you as "leading you on," I have to ask you: why do you expect every person who flirts with you to have sex with you anyway? Seriously, that's not cool. Flirting is often the very first indication of being interested in someone, and can take place the very first time you meet them. There's a lot of flirtation going on in the world that never leads to anything, and that's normal and fine.

As an asexual person, I enjoy being flirtatious when I feel there might be a connection between me and another person. But I am definitely apprehensive about doing it, because I feel like they are going to try to force me into bed with them at the earliest opportunity, and get mad when I tell them my identity, which is a scenario I would rather just avoid. But it's unfortunate we're made to feel this way.

Flirting can be fun and innocent, but when you know you're probably going to be accused of leading someone on the moment you tell them you're asexual, a lot of us just decide not to go there at all. However, that doesn't mean we should or that we're obligated to keep our flirtatiousness to ourselves. Asexuals have the right to flirt just as much as people of any other orientation... and none of us, whether ace, straight, gay or otherwise, are obligated to do anything else with you just because we were flirtatious. We are allowed to just enjoy the moment.

Additionally, asexual people are allowed to go on dates and be on dating apps. Believe me, there will be a lot of people on those apps who are not interested in you, whether they're asexual or not. Their presence on such an app or website does not indicate that they're interested in hooking up with you, regardless of their orientation.

Always remember, no one is obligated to have sex with you, ever.

Identifying as LGBTQIA

It's right there in the acronym: the A stands for asexual and aromantic (in addition to agender, I believe, although they are technically covered under the T as well). Despite that, there is a narrative perpetuated by exclusionists that ace and aro people are not a part of the LGBTQ+ community. The excuse they usually put forth is that aces and aros don't experience oppression or discrimination.

It's true that they don't experience as much discrimination as gay, lesbian and transgender people might, at least in certain situations. Ace and aro people tend to "blend in" better with heteronormative society because it can sometimes be construed as simply being single.

However, there are several problems with this narrative. The first and most obvious is that, despite potentially blending in better, asexual people are not heterosexual and also might not be heteroromantic, even if they do have sexual or romantic relationships. You can be asexual and in a relationship with the same sex, appearing on the surface as a gay or lesbian relationship. You can be asexual and be transgender. You can be asexual and be intersex. Asexuality is intersectional with many other LGBTQ+ identities.

But since the LGBTQ+ community is meant to include everyone who isn't a part of the "normal" cis-het experience, even heteroromantic aces fit in because their experience of sexual attraction differs from the norm. Additionally, there are some very unique means of discriminating against asexual people, up to and including "corrective" rape -- forcing someone into a sexual act because you believe it will somehow "fix" them. While it might not be as common as homophobia in the mainstream, there's a definite anti-ace sentiment out there.

A lot of the "evidence" used to exclude ace and aro people from the community was also once used to exclude bisexual people. For instance, the idea that a bisexual person "passes as straight" and therefore doesn't experience discrimination (despite the fact that a bisexual person in a same-sex relationship will automatically be assumed gay).

Saying that someone would be straight if they experienced sexual attraction is also really weird and homophobic. If they don't experience sexual attraction, why would you assume it would be directed toward the opposite sex if they did? There's no way of knowing that because the attraction doesn't exist at all. All this does is reinforce the idea that being straight is/should be the default, which I'm pretty sure is the opposite of what the LGBTQ+ community is striving for.

If you're heteroromantic ace and you feel uncomfortable identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community, there's no obligation to do so. But you also cannot tell others that they don't have the right to identify with the community themselves, especially those who don't experience things the same way you do.

Show Yasmin Benoit some support by following her on Instagram and Twitter.

tags: asexuality