You're Allowed To Feel Negative Emotions

November 30, 2020

It's great when people can be thankful for what they have instead of focusing on what they don't have. But it isn't always easy, or even possible, to do. To expect it of others is not only unrealistic, but actually damaging.

One thing we should all know by now is that bottling up negative emotions is not healthy. In the midst of a global pandemic, civil unrest, an intense election season, and disasters at every turn, this year has been especially hard for most of us. Depression is running rampant and even people who would usually describe themselves as happy are seeing their mental health hit an all-time low, either from stress, lack of human contact, illness, or worse. Even without all of the added stressors of 2020, it's completely normal and understandable for people to feel unfulfilled by their daily lives, and it shouldn't be taboo for them to talk about it openly.

Still, there are many people who subscribe to a no-negativity mindset that, instead of actually promoting positivity, is toxic and closed-minded. Although I'm sure most of these people probably mean well, they can come off as condescending. This mindset doesn't allow people to freely express their emotions, whether on social media or to certain friends and family members, for fear of being told they're wrong to feel the way they do. I know I have definitely stopped talking to certain friends about my problems because I don't want to listen to their platitudes about how it could be worse, or hearing unsolicited advice when all I want is someone I can vent to. I stopped viewing them as safe people to confide in, after spending too many moments rolling my eyes while they invalidated my feelings by telling me I should be grateful.

Positivity and words of encouragement have their place, of course, but shouldn't we be using them to lift people up, not to shame them for feeling negatively about something? Sadness, anger, stress, grief, disappointment, etc. are natural things that we all feel. So why are they so stigmatized?

For instance, let's talk about jobs. I am starting with jobs because this train of thought was actually inspired by an interaction I witnessed recently between a Facebook friend and someone she eventually ended up blocking for his condescending attitude. The post was regarding her unhappiness with the idea of taking a job she knew she didn't want.

Working is a vital part of our lives that can make us feel productive and sometimes even bring us fulfillment, if we're lucky. But it takes up a disproportionate amount of our time, and it's easy to be bummed out by that, especially when it's a job we don't necessarily want to be doing in the first place. When we want to be spending time with loved ones, working on other projects, engaging in hobbies, attending events, or even just resting -- yes, we need rest -- we often have to work instead. And for a lot of us, our job isn't something we're passionate about or even necessarily enjoy. Many people are indifferent at best, while many others actually have jobs that make them miserable, whether it's because of hard labor, too little pay, toxic work culture, unpleasant or even bullying coworkers, or because the job is just generally exhausting.

Nothing feels better than leaving a job you hate, but that's something most people don't have the privilege of being able to do. Leaving without another job lined up could result in homelessness, or at the very least, overdue bills and late fees, all while being unsure when your next paycheck might come in. "Just get another job" doesn't work most of the time, either. People will say that as if the job-seeker is the one who determines if they get a job or not, but we all know that isn't the case. All the job-seeker can do is apply; after that, it's out of their hands. It's ultimately up to someone else whether or not you actually get the job out of all the candidates who applied, or for that matter, if you even get an interview. Getting a job isn't easy for everyone, and even when it is easy to get one, it doesn't mean it will make you happy.

It's a fact of life that working is something people just have to do. It's okay if that makes you unhappy. If it does, I hope you're able to find something else that makes you happier; but in the meantime, you're not obligated to pretend it's all sunshine and roses. It's okay to be upset with capitalism. It's okay to be upset if you just want to work for yourself but you have to take a boring job somewhere else to pay the bills. It's okay to be upset if you can't afford to go to school for what you really want to do and you're stuck doing something you don't enjoy. It's even okay to be upset if you love your job but you just work too many hours or it's become more stressful lately than it used to be (I say this as a healthcare worker during a pandemic).

If you make these feelings publicly known, though, there will always be people who come out of the woodworks to say, "At least you have a job" or "Others have it worse."

I'm sure that most people who have jobs are thankful for their income, but that doesn't mean the job can't be unfulfilling in other ways. We suck it up and do it anyway, but it's valid if we don't feel satisfied by it, or if we're simply exhausted.

Work is just one scenario in which someone might be talked-down to if they express any unhappiness, but there are several others as well. For example...

- Health. There's always someone with a "worse" condition out there. But even the so-called "lesser" conditions can make you miserable and you're allowed to wish you were in good health instead.

- Fatigue. If all you do is work full-time, you'll have people asking why you're the tired one when your coworker goes to school as well as working. And if you're the one who works on top of being a student, well, at least you don't have kids. You're not allowed to be tired until you have a baby. Every mom will tell you that (or at least that's how it feels). But people don't get to choose whether or not they are tired; it's their bodies that tell them when they are or aren't. Even if you don't work, go to school, or have kids, you can still be tired, especially if you suffer from depression, insomnia, etc. Someone else being busier than you doesn't mean your fatigue isn't real.

- Trauma. I recently saw someone on Facebook share a post that originated on Tumblr, in which a therapist described how most of their patients, even after talking about the terrible trauma they've experienced, will end with "But I didn't have it as bad as some people."

"Even my most-traumatized, most-abused, most psychologically-injured clients say this," the therapist wrote. "The ones who were cheated on, abandoned, and neglected say this. The ones who were in dangerous accidents/disasters say this. The ones who were horrifyingly sexually abused say this. The ones who were brutally beaten say this. The ones who were psychologically tortured for decades say this. What does that tell you? That one of the typical side-effects of trauma is to make you believe that you are unworthy of care."

(I did a little research to find the original Tumblr thread this quote came from and you can read it here. It has much the same theme as this article, and coincidentally, even uses some of the same or very similar words, proving I am not the only one who feels this way.)

In addition to it being a side-effect of trauma, I believe that constantly being told by others that you have to be grateful makes it so much worse. Not only does the trauma itself make you feel unworthy, but other people seem to confirm this with their words. Even if they don't say it directly to you, chances are you've overheard it being said to others, and subconsciously, or even consciously, been made to feel guilty. It's almost a form of brainwashing that tells you you're never allowed to be unhappy, and if you are, you're a burden to others if you bring it up.

Even something as trivial as the weather somehow inspires people to say such things. While this is obviously a far less serious topic, even that can get old fast. "You live in Arizona and you're cold? Be thankful you don't live in Alaska. When it's snowing or it's 40 degrees below zero, then you have the right to complain."

But people always have the right to complain, whether you want to hear it or not. Sometimes just venting can be therapeutic and make a person feel better. Being told their feelings are invalid, however, will never make a person feel better.

(And as an Arizonan who also lived in Montana for a while, I can confirm that winter sucks everywhere.)

Granted, there are limits to what you can complain about without it coming off as a completely ridiculous overreaction... For example, people protesting with guns because they were asked to wear a piece of cloth over their mouth and nose during a pandemic, while black people are being routinely murdered by police. This is one case where two situations truly can't be compared. However, being upset about the core issue (the fact that there's a pandemic to begin with and it has negatively affected almost all of us) is valid, and no one would blame you for complaining about it if you weren't so selfish and unwilling to think of others' health.

As long as you aren't taking action to directly harm people (such as infecting them with a potentially deadly virus), it's okay to be a little selfish, though. Because if something is wrong in your world, you're the only one who can determine if it's wrong or not.

I also get that somebody who does nothing but complain can be frustrating to talk to, especially when their complaints seem trivial compared to what you yourself might be dealing with. But no one ever truly knows what someone else is going through, and holding others to the same standard you set for yourself might just be too much to ask of them.

When I worked for an organization that specialized in substance abuse and mental health crises, I was required to take a certain class every six months. In May of 2017, the instructor of that class said something that I'll never forget: that we, the outsiders, never get to decide what is or isn't a crisis to another person. Something that seems trivial to us can be the last straw for someone else, especially if that person has just had the worst week of their life and is barely holding it together as it is. The example the instructor used was someone's goldfish dying. Most people aren't attached to their goldfish, but to others, they might be beloved pets just like a cat or dog. And if the same person had already gone through a week of other, more serious tragedies such as losing a family member, their marriage falling apart, etc., losing their pet could be the last straw. You wouldn't necessarily think a goldfish dying could be the thing that drives someone to a mental health ward, but it could be, and we don't have the right to tell them their crisis isn't a crisis.

There are always going to be people who have it worse. I guess somewhere in the world, there must be that one person who has it worse than everyone else. Imagine if that one person was the only one who was allowed to be publicly unhappy with their life.

The fact of the matter is there are plenty of things in life that can make us unhappy, and while it's great to be thankful for what you have, it doesn't make you a bad person if you're suffering, or if you simply feel unfulfilled and want something different. That's what the pursuit of happiness is all about. And you shouldn't have to bottle up or hide those emotions for fear of being labeled as negative, ungrateful, or greedy.

I often see a quote attributed to Ghandi that says, "I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet." I get what the quote is trying to say -- and I'm certainly not trying to say I'm more wise than Ghandi -- but imagine being a homeless person with no shoes and having someone say this to you.

It's terrible that some people don't have feet, but not having shoes is still a valid complaint.

And eventually, having no shoes will probably lead to having no feet as well. So feel out your negative emotions, and try to deal with them in a healthy way until they don't exist anymore (however long that takes). Denying or bottling them up is only going to lead to things getting much worse. It's okay to vent, and I hope you are surrounded by people who don't try to shame you into silence.

tags: mental health