Exploring My Orientation on National Coming Out Day

October 11, 2020

Like many people, I used to be confused about the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. I assumed from a young age that, because I liked the way men looked, I was straight. As I got older, I began to realize my attitude toward sex seemed to be very different from most people's, but I didn't think that meant anything specific other than I was just "different."

I started thinking about romance before I ever thought about sex. I was very young when I fell in love and got married. At that point, I thought I was "supposed" to want sex, because that's just what people did when they were in love. Still, I was far more interested in more wholesome displays of intimacy and romance.

I have a memory of my brother telling my mom when I was a teenager that I might be gay because I didn't show much interest in boys. My mom was pretty conservative and didn't necessarily approve of homosexuality, but I remember her saying at one point that if one of her kids turned out to be gay, she would still love them because they were her kids. Maybe she was preparing herself for the day I came out because she had also started to suspect. I'm not sure.

But I was interested in boys; just not in the way most people expected.

Fast forward to adulthood, specifically the year 2019. My marriage fell apart years ago and I've been happily single for a long time now. A few flings and what-have-yous, but nothing serious. There have been a few times that I've discussed the possibility of same-sex relationships with my friends, but I always say the same thing: that I'm just not interested in women sexually. That I find women beautiful in a more artistic way and, with the right one, could possibly enjoy her company in a romantic way; but I'm just not sexually attracted to them.

Over time, my aesthetic attraction to women begins to increase a lot, until it's pretty much equal to men. I frequently refer to a female singer (Noora Louhimo) as my queen or sometimes, jokingly, my wife. In fact, I have referred to the entire band she sings for (Battle Beast) as "My five husbands and my wife." I have a lot of female celebrity crushes, including Noora, Gal Gadot, the character of Cara Dune from The Mandalorian (played by Gina Carano), Lupita Nyong'o, and more. The same year, I even have a crush on an actual, real-life woman for the first time. It feels exactly the same as having a crush on a man, only a little more confusing since this is the first time it's happened. Through Facebook, I quickly find out that she's engaged to another woman and they get married the next month, so I'm never able to explore that, but it definitely makes me question some stuff.

This brings up those conversations again with some of my closest friends, but still I insist that, although I like women, I can't call myself bisexual because I just don't want to have sex with them.

Then, finally, I put two and two together and realize that's how I feel about men, too!

I was able to differentiate between aesthetic and sexual attraction when it came to women, but somehow not when it came to men. Until now. It's February of 2020 when I finally realize that I am not straight, and I'm not gay either. I'm asexual. I wasn't comfortable labeling myself as bisexual because of a lack of sexual attraction to women, yet I was still calling myself straight despite my lack of sexual attraction to men.

But now, I know the difference between sexual attraction (something I don't think I've ever quite experienced, at least not in the way most people do) and all the other types of attraction, such as aesthetic (liking someone's appearance) and romantic (wanting a romantic relationship with them). In the future, I will write more about the different types of attraction I experience and why they have nothing to do with sex.

Back when this blog was just an idea inside my head, I had intended to come out in a blog post similar to this one. I had actually wanted it to be the first thing I wrote here. I ended up doing it much sooner on Facebook and Twitter because the blog wasn't ready to go online and I didn't want to wait. I instead came out on May 8, 2020 because it was Asexual Visibility Day. In honor of today (October 11) being National Coming Out Day, I decided to explore my orientation a little more, here on the blog as originally intended.

The road to self-discovery is a long one, and there can be a lot of twists and turns along the way. In a heteronormative society, it's easy to just assume you are straight until you have evidence to the contrary. If you're gay, that evidence might come a little more easily. But when you're asexual, it can be more difficult, especially if you are not aromantic. In the same way asexual (or ace) means a lack of sexual attraction, aromantic (or aro) means a lack of romantic attraction. Many people on the aro/ace spectrum experience what's called split attraction, meaning your romantic and sexual attractions don't align. Anyone can experience this -- for example, you could be romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men -- but it is more common among people on the ace spectrum. If you're heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, etc. -- anything other than aromantic -- but don't experience the sexual attraction to go along with it, then you have a split attraction.

When you're romantically attracted to the opposite sex, it becomes even easier to assume you're straight, as was the case for me. People who are ace and aro experience their own difficulties, and we all have the same problem of not fitting into a society that places such high emphasis on sex and relationships. But for me, and many other romantic aces, experiencing any sort of attraction at all makes it difficult for you to realize that you're ace.

Personally, I've known about asexuality for many years, despite it being known as the "invisible orientation" due to the large percentage of the population who don't even realize it exists. But the funny thing is, I used to wish I was asexual, after realizing that developing feelings for people usually led to nothing but heartache and disappointment. I just wanted to be happy and never have feelings for anyone again. Of course, I now know that what I was wishing for was actually to be aromantic, not asexual. How ironic that it turned out I actually am asexual; but still not aromantic and, unfortunately, not immune to catching feelings.

It was when I realized the difference between those two types of attraction that a light bulb went on, something clicked inside my head, and I finally realized, "Wait a minute. I think I'm asexual."

For about eight months before that, I had identified as demisexual, which is also on the ace spectrum, but means you can only experience attraction after a strong bond has been formed. After I realized that certain other types of attraction didn't "disqualify" me from identifying as ace, I began to ponder my past experiences some more, and in retrospect, I'm not sure I've ever experienced sexual attraction the way most people experience it, but rather have been so into a particular person that I was merely flattered by the attention when they showed sexual interest in me, which I mistook for it being mutual.

But for me, sex was always about making the other person happy more than actually getting any pleasure from it myself. I'm not sex-repulsed, but it just isn't on my list of favorite things to do. Like coin collecting, fishing, or bicycling, I have friends who are super into it, but to me, it's boring. I often compare it to doing the dishes, except I'd rather do the dishes because I can jam out to music and sing along while I do them. But just like playing video games or watching movies I don't particularly care for, I won't 100% rule out the possibility of sex in a future relationship; my partner will just have to be very understanding and accepting of the fact that I'm only doing it to make them happy, and not ask me to do it that often.

Luckily, I'm very happy being single, and my sense of self-worth is high, meaning I won't settle for a relationship with someone who isn't respectful of my wishes and needs. In mixed relationships where one partner is ace and one is allo (allosexual being anyone who isn't asexual), it always seems to be the ace partner whose needs are thrown out the window in favor of the allo's. The ace partner is the one demonized for not freely giving sex to their partner as often as they want it; yet the allo partner is never demonized for putting pressure on their ace partner when they don't want it. This is an unfortunate condition of both heteronormative society and, dare I say it, rape culture. Navigating a relationship between an ace and an allo can be difficult and requires a lot of understanding and communication. Just make sure if you're in a relationship that your partner respects you. I hope I find a relationship like that someday (ideally, with another ace person so it isn't even an issue), but if I don't, I'm fine being Forever Alone as well, because I love and respect myself.

After I realized I was ace, I at first considered myself heteroromantic: someone who experiences romantic attraction only to the opposite sex. But after more self-exploration, I believe I am actually biromantic, with a preference toward men. If the Kinsey scale were applied to strictly romantic attraction, I'd probably be a 1 or a 2, but definitely not a zero. (The link opens Wikipedia in a different tab.)

I enjoy meeting someone who's a lot like me in personality, but the opposite of me when it comes to their gender; I find that exciting about hetero relationships, and a relationship with the opposite sex does feel more natural to me. Part of that could also be that it takes time to unlearn your old ways, especially when you were raised to believe that same-sex relationships were wrong. But I wouldn't rule out a relationship with another woman, especially if she was also asexual. I'm still a little disappointed that the one female crush I had turned out to be engaged, so I was never able to pursue or explore my feelings. I was never comfortable calling myself bisexual, but biromantic feels right. Aesthetically, I'm definitely bi; I think men and women are equally beautiful.

And I'm not forgetting you non-binary people out there. You are valid and beautiful too!

So far, I haven't met anyone in particular that I "vibed" with who wasn't a cis male. I can't say for certain if that will change when I meet a certain woman, non-binary, intersex or trans person, but I definitely consider that a possibility.

As far as I know, my history with strictly cis men is partially a mere coincidence, and partially the product of an upbringing where only hetero relationships were considered normal. The upbringing part I have worked on and will continue to work on overcoming. The coincidence part may continue, or it may not. Or I may never have a relationship again. It all depends on the people I meet.

These sorts of things can be pretty fluid, and as we go through periods of self-discovery, our identities can change and fluctuate, so this is by no means a guarantee that I won't have an update to this at some point in the future, but at this point in time, on this National Coming Out Day, I feel pretty confident saying that I am a biromantic asexual woman.

tags: asexuality, ace awareness, coming out, national coming out day, asexual, biromantic, self-discovery