Here's How You Can Be Racist Even Though You Have Black Friends

September 23, 2020

We've all seen someone, whether online or in person, claim that they aren't racist because they have a "Black friend." It's become such a common trope on Facebook and other social media sites that I almost wonder if people saying it are real or if those posts are made by parody accounts. Unfortunately, many of them are indeed real, and there are people who truly believe that having a friend or loved one of another race should absolve them from accusations of being racist.

In a perfect world, this would actually be true, and everyone who does have loved ones of other races, sexualities, religions, etc. would never dream of being racist, homophobic, or bigoted because their love and respect for those people are so strong. But as we all know, this world is not a perfect one.

Just look at Abby Johnson, who recently made headlines for saying that her adopted "brown son" is statistically more likely to commit a violent crime than her biological white sons, and that police would be "smart" for racially profiling him. Her own son.

This article itself was inspired by finding out that a former supervisor of mine -- who had Black partners, a Black former spouse, and Black children -- was fired for, among other things, using racial slurs (particularly the N word) at work. I was surprised at first, but looking back, I realized maybe I shouldn't have been. The fetishization of Black men or women is very real sometimes; but liking Black bodies doesn't necessarily mean respecting Black humans. My former supervisor is not the only person whose romantic partners have been almost exclusively from another race, and yet whose intentions might be based on something less than wholesome.

So how can someone be racist if they have black friends?

A common joke I see going around social media says, "The same way serial killers can have friends who are alive."

While this comparison is humorous, I feel I have a better example. Instead of serial killers, let's talk about misogynists.

If it was impossible for men who have female loved ones to be sexist -- or rather, if women never became involved with men who are sexist -- the human race would have died out a long time ago. The hatred of women and feminine traits is nothing new; I'm sure it has existed just as long as the concept of gender or sex itself has existed. Yet, somehow, misogynist men continue having relationships with women, procreating with them, and perpetuating misogyny throughout the generations. If they didn't, none of us would be here. Sexism would have wiped the entire species out.

Unfortunately, it isn't impossible to have a close, personal relationship with someone and still lack respect for them. Nearly every man out there who has misogynist traits also has at least one woman in his life. They might not have a lot of female friends -- many of them probably don't even believe that men and women can be "just" friends -- but almost all of them have mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, girlfriends or female sexual partners (because misogynists are almost always homophobes as well; it comes with the territory). That doesn't mean they respect those women as equals, though, nor does it mean they treat them well. It just means they want something from them, in this case probably either sexual gratification or servitude.

Additionally, you might also notice that bigots will often consume TV shows and movies starring Black actors, or listen to LGBT+ musicians such as Freddie Mercury or Elton John. They're okay with these 'types' of people as long as they're entertaining them and don't have the audacity to ask for equal treatment or voice opinions they don't want to hear.

The bottom line is: these people are selfish and view the world as revolving around them. They view themselves as superior, and so in their opinion, other people are merely there to serve them, whether it's an entertainer, employee, or even their spouse, children, or friends.

That is how racists have Black friends, and can even marry or have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone of a different race -- some even fetishizing their partner's skin color or features, but still viewing them as a lesser being. It's how homophobes "tolerate" their LGBT+ children, but still think they don't deserve the right to marry the person they love. How people with Muslim family members can still share Islamophobic conspiracy theories on Facebook. And how sexists throughout the generations have continued to have wives and girlfriends despite not believing those women are their equal.

If you've been a victim of this kind of relationship, please remember that you are not obligated to stay in it. You don't owe anybody a relationship of any kind, even if they are your family. If you aren't being respected by them, it's okay to have respect for yourself and do what's in your best interest, even if it means cutting people out of your life. It's okay to demand respect.

I've had to do this myself, and make it publicly known that if you support Trump and other politicians like him, you are not my friend, even writing in a Facebook post in March of 2019: "You can't consider yourself my friend but also want to support a man who has practically tried to ban my religion from being practiced in my country, even suggesting that we all be placed on a registry like Jews were in Nazi Germany" and "You can't have it both ways... either you support Trump and others like him, or you're a person who considers yourself a friend to people like me and the rest of mankind." (This also goes for those who disrespect my friends and other groups to whom I'm an ally. For example, I'm an ally to my gay friends, and therefore I don't keep friends around who are clearly homophobic.)

So if you have loved ones who differ from you in gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else, please understand that loving them means loving all of their identities as well. And everyone who shares those identities. Your loved one could be your favorite person in the world, but it still means nothing if you merely consider them an 'exception' while you continue to demonize and disrespect the existence of everyone else who shares their traits, e.g. "You're the only Black person I could date because you don't act Black" or "I know you're gay, but at least you don't parade it around like most gay people" or "Islam has no place in this country, but, of course, I don't mean you."

Or even "I love my wife, but I'm voting for Donald Trump."

Backhanded compliments are not compliments, and I can guarantee anyone on the receiving end of them feels awful when they hear them. Degraded, unloved, disrespected. And they will also start hiding parts of themselves from you because they know you aren't a safe person for them to be honest and vulnerable with. Is that how you want to make your loved ones, or anyone for that matter, feel? If not, then step up and do better. Educate yourself, support them, be a safe person for them to confide in, and don't support politicians who are actively trying to harm them.

If you love someone, be their ally, and remember that includes being an ally to everyone else who falls into the same category. Otherwise, it's just hypocrisy.

tags: racism, misogyny, loved ones, relationships, allyship